Feeling “Othered” in a Heteronormative World

Feeling “Othered” in a Heteronormative World

According to the Merriam Webster Dictionary, heteronormativity is defined as “Of, relating to, or based on the attitude that heterosexuality is the only normal and natural expression of sexuality”.  Essentially, I’m talking about straight culture. Now, you may be thinking something along the lines of… “But gay people are totally accepted these days”. It’s true that progress has been made. However, there’s a difference between “acceptance” and real visibility. Heteronormativity touches far more aspects of our lives than simply marriage. I think that most people, myself included, make well-intentioned, yet ignorant assumptions based on the heteronormative society we live in.

The Road to Worthiness is Paved with Imperfection

The Road to Worthiness is Paved with Imperfection

In the moments when we most need a little tenderness we quickly become our own worst enemies. Instead of recognizing and acknowledging our inherent goodness, we turn our words into weapons with messages of failure and defeat. 

Wouldn’t it be incredible if we could instead treat ourselves with the same kindness and understanding we so readily show others? In her book, The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are, leading researcher and storyteller Brené Brown examines what gets in the way of accepting ourselves as we are and living from a place of authenticity, gratitude, and whole-heartedness.  

Beyond Fight or Flight

Beyond Fight or Flight

Fight or Flight. You’ve probably heard this expression countless times.  However, there’s more to our defensive responses than we previously believed.  There’s actually four ways that we respond to situations that we perceive as harmful: Fight, Flight, Freeze and Fawn.

Laying Down the Burdens of an Over-Functionalist

Defining Over-fucntionalists

Do you find yourself being the pillar of strength that family, friends, and even romantic partners commonly depend on? From the viewpoints of other’s, you appear to have it all together. Unknowingly, you’ve found yourself in the role of upholding the expectations of others. If this sounds familiar, you may be finding yourself in the role of the “over-functionalist.

Those in this role may be a direct source for advice, financial support, or take on 100% of the responsibility for their lives and others. Many often refer to you as the one; the educated one, the strong one, the responsible one, the caring one, and the list goes on. And for some odd reason, you have inadvertently accepted this role and cultivated your life around it. 


Often, you’re in situations thatleave you feeling anxious and overwhelmed. Complaining of the demanding nature this role requires is never an option, for fear of making others feel your frequent discomfort. Not many people check on“THE ONE” in their lives, and these individuals tend to suffer in silence. For those who feel as though you’re barring the weight of the world with minimal understanding, know that you are not alone. A difference can be made, and the weight can be lifted, but it starts with you.

“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.”
— Maya Angelou

Recognizing When to Ask for Help

Asking for help can be perceived by some as a sign of weakness or an inability to simply manage. For those who identify themselves as the over-functionalist, seeking assistance appears much harder, often because of projection that others will not be able to manage stressors as you do. After all, it’s okay to feel overwhelmed so long as others don’t; right? This is an internal battle that many suffer in silence daily.

Stress is an inevitable part of life however too much can negatively impact one’s emotional and physical capacity to function. Asking for help is NOT a sign of weakness. In fact, asking for help shows a high level of self-awareness and insight to recognize that additional support is needed. There are other factors that impact one’s ability to seek help, such as cultural worldviews. For instance, some cultures view the family system as a fully functioning entity to deal with all its member’s needs.Therefore, the frequency or knowledge of outsourcing is not a skill some are versed in. Other factors include past experiences and how readily available help was made.

Photo by  Allie Smith  via Unsplash

Photo by Allie Smith via Unsplash


Lisa Ferentz LCSW-C, DAPA (2017) suggests the following questions be considered for those struggling to ask for help:

  • While you were growing up what kind of messages did you get about asking for help?

  • Did your family place more value on “doing it yourself” or “letting others in?”

  • When you did attempt to reach out in childhood, how did the people in your life respond?

Help comes in many forms, identify which type of help best benefits you. Pay attention to mental and physical signs that you’re becoming overwhelmed. Recognizing when your load is too heavy shows positive insight.

According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness, stress affects your entire body, mentally as well as physically. Some common signs include:


trouble sleepinG

jaw pain

Changes in appetite

mood swings

difficulty concentrating


Photo by  Kinga Chichewicz  via Unsplash

Photo by Kinga Chichewicz via Unsplash

The Benefits of Self Care

Many of us have heard the importance of self-care, but does the idea of achieving it seems near impossible? For the overly busy, stressed, and the overwhelmed person managing all of life’s obstacles including that of others, self-care is typically a missing element in day-to-day life. Before self-care can be obtained one must first understand what it is.

The essence of self-care is paying attention to YOUR wants and needs on an emotional, mental, and physical level. Placing yourself as a top priority and ensuring you’re cared for is not egotistic in any fashion. For over-functionalist, this can be a difficult mindset to uphold because thinking of self is such a farfetched idea. Feelings such as guilt tend to arise when others are not at the top of your priority list. Implementing self-care minimizes the occurrences of burnout and fatigue. How do I manage self-care? That’s the beauty, it’s based on YOUR needs. Self- care does not have to be a grandiose event or a huge time consumer. Maria Baratta Ph.D., L.C.S.W (2018) identified 10 regulatory activities to help exercise self-care in her article for Psychology Today titled, Self Care 101:

1- Self-care means knowing who you are and your limits. Self-care means recognizing when you are doing more than you are used to handling and trying to figure out what can be done to slow down.

2- Self-care means getting the sleep you need and knowing how to rest. Are you getting enough sleep for you? Do you know how much sleep you require everyday and are you sleeping at least that much?

Photo by  Magalie De Preux  via Unsplash

Photo by Magalie De Preux via Unsplash

3- Self-care means making sure that you're well fed. Do you eat well—does what you eat provide the energy you need to function?

4 -Self-care means finding a way to decompress throughout your day, not just when you leave work. What is it you do to rest your mind during and after a workday? What helps you tune out the noise?

5- Self-care means giving some thought to changing a difficult work situation. We know best what we need and what we can deal with. Is there anything that can be done to make your work somewhat less stressful? Think about whether changes can be made to your work environment.

6- Self-care means taking time to get to know you better. Self-care means learning to recognize your own temperament and trying to prepare for your personal limits. For example, do you have the trait of "high sensitivity? and if so, learning to recognize when you are experiencing sensory overload.

Photo by  Rifqui Ali Ridho  via Unsplash

Photo by Rifqui Ali Ridho via Unsplash

7- Self-care means identifying what you enjoy doing and what's fun for you and make a serious effort to integrate it into your day or, at the very least, your week. Make it a habit to plan something to look forward to every day and that doesn't have to be complicated.

8- Self-care means knowing how to debrief from a day's work. That might mean walking home from work to clear your head, driving in silence or listening to music to help transition from work to home.

9- Self-care means feeding your spiritual self. That might take the form of meditating, praying, communing with nature by a walk in a park, observing a sunset or sunrise, attending a religious service, practicing gratitude, reading or listening to something inspirational.

10- And finally, self-care means taking time to love yourself and appreciating that there's only one you and you're the expert on that.

I have come to believe that caring for myself is not self-indulgent. Caring for myself is an act of survival
— Audre Lorde

Implementing Balance and Change

The route of change for an over-functionalist may not initially be easy, yet it is possible. A helpful first step is to hold others accountable and increase their responsibilities. What does this look like? It may mean not rescuing a family member or friend for the 20th time, not voicing all your opinions, and allowing them to fully manage the consequences of their actions. Engaging in therapy can be a helpful tool to overcome personal feelings of guilt and to develop healthy communication skills. More than anything, establishing new boundaries and sticking with them will be key.

Meet the author: Brittany Spencer, LGPC


Brittany Spencer, LGPC, is a therapist at Space Between Counseling Services. Brittany works with clients in the Charm City area as they manage stress, grief, LGBTQIA+ related concerns, and more.

Brittany’s integrative therapeutic approach has allowed her to interact with the young and older adult population to increase self-awareness, educate about community-based resources, and strengthen coping skills. Within a safe and compassionate environment Brittany strives to increase the autonomy of her clients.

While not working to evolve her counseling skills, Brittany enjoys outdoor activities. As summer approaches, she enjoys 5k races, bonfires, and community festivals.  She loves attending WNBA basketball games, bicycling, and watching America Ninja Warrior with her fiancé.

A Holistic Approach to Healing

To suffer is the most human of conditions, but so too is to heal.
— Chani Nicholas

The healing journey is far from linear and it is also far from uniform. Every person has their own winding set of experiences, responding to emotions as they emerge and doing the best they can along the way.

Therapy can be invaluable in this work, and it can be supportive to tap into the body’s wisdom in other ways as well. In this blog post, we will explore a variety of holistic approaches that inspire full-body wellbeing.

Photo by  Emma Simpson  via Unsplash

Photo by Emma Simpson via Unsplash


Stemming from the practice of Chinese Medicine and developed over thousands of years, acupuncture supports balance in the mind, body and spirit. Perhaps you’re having a difficult time sleeping and are waking up at the same time every night or maybe your appetite has been off. Acupuncture could be a supportive treatment for you. Amongst other things, acupuncture can be supportive if you are experiencing anxiety or depression.

You can learn more about what to expect from an acupuncture treatment through the Maryland University of Integrative Health. Want to try it out? Mend offers affordable community acupuncture in Remington and at Quarry Lake. Additionally, Maryland Community Acupuncture in Patterson Park offers sessions for as low as $20.00.

Sometimes with the most painful of processes all we can do is learn how to be with it, refusing to leave ourselves because of it.
— Chani Nicholas
Photo by  William Farlow  via Unsplash

Photo by William Farlow via Unsplash

Naturopathic Care

Naturopathic medicine is built around six principles:

  • the healing power of nature

  • identify and treat the causes

  • first do no harm

  • doctor as teacher

  • treat the whole person

  • prevention

Photo by  JWlez  via Unsplash

Photo by JWlez via Unsplash


This modality of care is centuries old and practitioners are trained in physical manipulation, clinical nutrition, botanical medicine, homeopathy and hydrotherapy.

If you are wondering how to support your mental health while using your body as a starting place, naturopathic care is a potential modality to explore.

Dr. Emily Telfair, ND of HeartSpace Natural Medicine is a local resource for patients who are ready to open this door of their healing journey. In her words, she offers “support with connecting the dots between your physical symptoms and how they relate to your life experiences”.

Here in this body are the sacred rivers: here are the sun and moon as well as all the pilgrimage places...I have not encountered another temple as blissful as my own body.
— Saraha


Photo by  Vero Photoart  via Unsplash

Photo by Vero Photoart via Unsplash

In many ways, herbalism invites you to “stop and smell the roses” (or lavender, or raspberry, or that plant poking up between the sidewalk cracks you always thought was ‘just a weed’). The earth is bursting with plant allies if you know where to look. As you begin this journey, Zensations is the perfect first stop.  


Photo by  Christin Hume  via Unsplash

Photo by Christin Hume via Unsplash

Bodywork can take many shapes: traditional massage, craniosacral therapy, and nervous system regulation (amongst others).

Are you curious about what your body has to say about what you’ve been feeling and experiencing? Ladan Nabet and Metta Integrative Wellness Center are supportive Baltimore resources when it comes to unpacking your body’s voice.

There is deep wisdom within our very flesh, if only we can come to our senses and feel it.
— Elizabeth A. Behnke

This blog is intended to serve simply as a snippet if what holistic healing may entail; there is truly no end to the healing work that can be supported by each of these modalities. As you review the modalities discussed, ask yourself…

What have been your doors to healing?

Which doors are presenting themselves to you now?


Meet Erin

Erin Bowman is one of Space Between Counseling Services’ newest graduate interns.  Upon her Graduation from the University of Baltimore’s counseling psychology Master’s program in 2020, Erin plans to seek licensure as a LCPC.

Erin is also a cyclist and enjoys exploring Baltimore’s parks by bike. When she’s not riding through the city, she can also be found reading science fiction and getting lost in bookstores.

Tidying Up (Part II) - Tidying Up Your Relationships

Tidying Up (Part II) - Tidying Up Your Relationships

In this second part of of our two-blog series inspired by the teachings of Marie Kondo, we will apply the KonMari method through simple activities designed to help you better tidy up your relationships. We hope this blog will inspire the courage and intention you need in order to facilitate nourishing relationships into your life.

Tidying Up (Part I) - Tidying Up Your Life

Tidying Up (Part I) - Tidying Up Your Life

In Marie’s book, tidying up refers to applying a set of principles to de-clutter your home. However, in this two-part blog series we’re going to talk tidying up your life (Part 1) and your relationships (Part 2) by applying principles based upon Marie’s method. 

Tuning into Self-Care in Winter

Tuning into Self-Care in Winter

In the winter, people are often more drawn to staying in and staying cozy--replacing late nights with a turn inwards. Beyond hygge, winter also often brings the blues. The sun is setting earlier and the air is biting cold. On a physiological level, our bodies are struggling with the lack of daylight. On an emotional level, you may not be feeling quite yourself. February has the echoes of family pressure from the holidays, along with cycles of frustration brought on by New Year’s resolutions. We find ourselves in need of balance and care.

12 Ways to Start Being Your Own Best Friend

12 Ways to Start Being Your Own Best Friend

When our life circumstances change, our friends often change with them. Cross-country moves introduce us to new social groups; coupledom expands our inner circles; and parenthood fosters additional bonds. Gone are the days when our closest confidants were just a short drive away. Now, get-togethers are planned months in advance and frequent flier miles are racked up with regularity.

But what about being a good friend to ourselves? We put heart and soul into our sisterhoods (and brotherhoods!) but can forget that it starts with being kind to the fresh face we greet in the mirror each morning.

Self-compassion or treating yourself with the same kindness as you would a close friend, can radically change the way you relate to yourself. Check out these 12 tips for doling out some serious self-love.