What Is Adult Sibling Hatred Syndrome?
Let’s be clear right off the bat: “Adult Sibling Hatred Syndrome” isn’t an official diagnosis you’ll find in the DSM or medical journals. It’s more of a descriptive term people use to explain the deep, often toxic hostility that can exist between adult siblings. It's not just "we don't get along." It's a persistent, painful dynamic that can poison families for decades.
Is It a Recognized Diagnosis?
Nope. Not officially. But that doesn’t mean it’s not real. Professionals recognize that adult sibling conflict can cause serious emotional damage. The term is shorthand for a complex emotional battlefield that can involve resentment, betrayal, jealousy, and unresolved childhood wounds.
Why Is This Important to Talk About?
Because sibling relationships are often minimized. We hear about parent-child issues or romantic breakups, but we don’t talk enough about the siblings who, for some, become lifelong sources of pain. The silence leaves people isolated and ashamed.
The Complex Nature of Sibling Relationships
Sibling Dynamics in Childhood
Siblings share your whole history. You’ve probably fought over toys, attention, and who got the bigger slice of cake. That’s pretty normal.
Normal Rivalry vs. Toxic Patterns
Sibling rivalry is expected. But when that rivalry turns into cruelty, manipulation, or lifelong resentment, it crosses into dangerous territory. If these toxic patterns aren’t addressed, they can calcify into something much darker in adulthood.
Carrying Childhood Wounds Into Adulthood
Childhood dynamics don’t magically dissolve when we become adults. In fact, without healing, they often become more complicated. Old grievances grow teeth. The power imbalance that may have started as kids can become deeply embedded family dysfunction.
1.) Unresolved Childhood Trauma
So many sibling conflicts have roots here.Parental Favoritism
One child was the “golden child,” while another was the scapegoat. That imbalance festers for years, fueling bitterness that can erupt decades later.
Abuse or Neglect
When siblings experience abuse, physical, emotional, or sexual, it fractures trust. Sometimes one sibling was the victim while another seemed to escape unscathed or, worse, enabled the abuse.
2.) Personality Clashes
You may simply be wired very differently. One’s easygoing; the other’s hypercritical. One seeks harmony; the other thrives on drama. Over time, differences harden into mutual contempt.
3.) Family Role Assignments
Families often assign roles: the responsible one, the rebel, the needy one, the caretaker. These roles can trap siblings in identities they didn’t choose, leading to ongoing resentment.
4.) Inheritance Disputes and Financial Issues
Money often fans the flames. Disputes over wills, care for aging parents, or unequal financial support can turn long-simmering tension into outright hostility.
5.) Lack of Boundaries
Boundaries are often poorly modeled in dysfunctional families. Without clear limits, relationships can turn invasive, controlling, or emotionally abusive.
Signs and Symptoms of Adult Sibling Hatred
Emotional Triggers
You feel your blood pressure spike the moment you hear their name. A holiday invitation sends you into panic. The emotional charge is intense and immediate.
Passive Aggression and Sabotage
There may be backhanded compliments, subtle digs, or calculated behaviors designed to hurt or undermine the other.
Avoidance and Estrangement
Many siblings in this dynamic go years without speaking. Some cut off all contact entirely, often without any real resolution.
Intense Jealousy or Resentment
Achievements, marriages, parenting styles, everything becomes fuel for comparison and competition.
The Psychological Impact
Living within this kind of toxic dynamic often takes a heavy emotional toll. Many people find themselves battling chronic anxiety, depression, and even symptoms that mirror complex PTSD. Beneath the surface, there’s often a deep undercurrent of guilt and shame.
In a culture that pressures us to stay loyal to family no matter the cost, choosing to step back can feel like a personal failure, as if we’re breaking some unspoken rule about what it means to be a “good” family member.
The impact doesn’t stop there. These tensions can spill over, straining relationships with parents, partners, and even children. What should be joyful or sacred gatherings, holidays, weddings, funerals, often become emotionally charged battlegrounds, pulling everyone into the conflict.
The Role of Parents and Family Culture
In some families, parents contribute to the toxic dynamic by either enabling or outright denying the conflict. They may downplay serious issues, dismissing concerns as overreactions, or avoid addressing problems altogether, allowing tension to build unchecked.
In more destructive situations, parents might actively pit siblings against one another, fostering rivalries that keep the conflict alive. This often leads to triangulation and manipulation, where siblings are pulled into unhealthy alliances or competitions designed to serve the parent’s own emotional needs.
As a result, genuine resolution becomes nearly impossible, and the cycle of dysfunction continues.
Can Sibling Hatred Be Healed?
“Do we need therapy?”
Healing sibling hatred is possible, but it doesn’t always mean the relationship will return to what we might hope for. Therapy can offer a safe space to process old wounds, whether together or individually.
Sometimes, growth comes through setting healthy boundaries, learning to protect your own peace, or even accepting limited or no contact. Healing, in this sense, is about finding emotional freedom, whether or not the relationship fully repairs.
Family Therapy
When both parties are willing, family therapy can help unpack years of unspoken pain and unhealthy patterns.
Individual Therapy
Often, one sibling seeks therapy alone. This can still be powerful, helping the individual set boundaries, process grief, and break free from dysfunctional cycles.
Setting Boundaries
Boundaries are not walls, they’re guidelines that protect your well-being. Clear, consistent boundaries can reduce conflict even if the relationship stays strained.
Accepting Limited Contact or No Contact
Sometimes healing means accepting that full reconciliation isn’t possible. Limited contact or no contact can be painful, but necessary.
Coping Strategies for Those Affected
Self-Care and Emotional Regulation
Mindfulness, journaling, and regular self-care practices help manage emotional overwhelm.
Seeking Support Outside the Family
Support groups, trusted friends, or communities that understand family estrangement can be life-saving.
Managing Family Events
Having an exit plan, setting time limits, and avoiding sensitive topics can help you survive unavoidable family gatherings.
When Cutting Ties Becomes Necessary
The decision to cut ties with a sibling can carry a heavy stigma. Society often views family estrangement as taboo, labeling it as cold or unforgiving. But the truth is, sometimes stepping away is an act of self-preservation, not cruelty. You are not obligated to maintain a relationship with someone who continually harms your well-being, even if they share your DNA.
Protecting your mental health must come first, even if that means creating distance from family.
Healing doesn’t always mean reconciliation. Some sibling relationships can be repaired with time, effort, and mutual willingness.
Others remain fractured,
and that’s okay.
Both outcomes are valid. What matters most is your well-being. Whether you choose to rebuild the relationship or let it go, finding and protecting your own peace is what truly counts.
Author
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At Space Between Counseling Services (SBCS), we're a team of diverse therapists passionate about enriching your mental health through insightful articles. Licensed across MD, NM, DE, and FL, we blend expertise in anxiety, depression, trauma, and more, striving for inclusivity in every piece we write.
Our collective voice aims to guide, educate, and support you through modern life's complexities.