Human beings have the drive to be wanted and loved. They want to share life intimately with others – just, not all day, every day, 24/7. The current pandemic is putting our relationships through strain that we may not have ever experienced before. Being holed up inside with your partner sounds like a dream come true until you have been stuck in the same one-bedroom apartment for 6 weeks with no apparent end in sight.
So, what is happening to relationships during quarantine? And what, if anything, can we do to make this more manageable?
Episode 701 of the podcast This American Life included a dialogue with Esther Perel, a relationship therapist, author, and creator of the Where Should We Begin? podcast. Esther talked with This American Life host Ira Glass about how quarantine is impacting relationships. Ira prompts her by saying “tens of millions of couples confined for weeks now, the relationships being molded by this lockdown.” Esther responds “it’s an accelerator. It’s a relationship accelerator. So, it rearranges the priority and throws the superfluous overboard in a very clarifying way for many of us.”
This time spent together with our spouses and partners would normally be spread out in weeks and months, but now, with the exception of essential workers, most of us are stuck inside all day, every day with our partner. Perhaps they used to be the one person who you looked forward to see. Now you might find yourself taking longer walks alone or going on an unnecessary trip to the grocery store in order to get some time apart from this person. There were normally gaps between time spent together. You would be going to work, seeing family, meeting friends for happy hour, going to Saturday morning yoga, or finding other ways to bind your solo time. That break in time spent together created a balance that enabled you to operate in harmony with your partner. Perhaps the old saying “absence makes the heart grow fonder” has some truth to it. What happens when we do not get to experience that absence for weeks or months at a time?
In addition to losing the opportunity to miss your spouse, you may also feel a shift in priorities. Just as Perel mentioned, priorities have changed. Anything “superfluous” or extra doesn’t fit in the new narrative. Your people and their health are the most important. It rearranges what you would normally categorize as an important part of your day, or week, or even year. Your lunchtime visit to your mom in the nursing home is not as important as making sure that you aren’t carrying the illness and endangering her health. Your planned vacation in May is not as important as keeping your family safe and healthy. While we mourn the loss of things we were excited to do, we must acknowledge this shift in priority.
During the podcast, Esther Perel describes an argument between a husband and wife. She illustrates a scene where the wife cooks the family dinner, gives them their food, and then heads onto a zoom call for work without sitting and eating with them. The husband suggests that in the future, he cook dinner instead so that she can use her free time more wisely and spend it eating together. The wife gets angry and argues saying that he doesn’t appreciate her cooking for them.
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Esther says, “he just told you ‘I would rather eat with you,’ whatever. He just gave it to you on a platter.” Perel continues, “it’s like you hear that which you want to hear, even if it’s what you fear hearing, and you’re not hearing what he’s actually telling you.” It makes sense that all of this extra, uninterrupted time in our homes, with our spouses and families is causing frustration and irritation that lead to more frequent arguments. This highlights the importance of taking the time to try to hear and understand our own feelings as well as the feelings of those who we are sharing space with.
To close her portion of the episode, Esther talks about the best way to overcome some of this frustration and who will fare better in this pandemic. She says, “The people who think, “What can I learn here?” do better. What is this telling me about what actually matters in my life or what I really want to do? And becoming more aware of things.” These realizations are what Esther Perel attributes to making quarantine more manageable and what could save relationships that are under strain.
Seeking more from Esther Perel? Check out the latest episode of her podcast, Where Should We Begin? : Couples Under Lockdown
Pro-relationship practices during quarantine:
It is important to be proactive in order to keep relationships healthy and strong always, but especially during this time. In order to make quarantine more manageable as a team, here are some tips for you and your partner to try:
Taking purposefully planned alone time
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Spending time alone to make sure that we are in touch with our feelings and desires is essential in order to maintain your own health and wellbeing during this time. Some examples are going for a walk by yourself, taking a long bath with a glass of wine (with the door locked, for once!), and reading a book alone in bed.
2. Establish open communication
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Lay out your wants and needs with your partner. Try to have an open and honest conversation with little judgement. If you need more alone time, make it known. If you want uninterrupted family time during dinner, say that. The only way for your spouse to know what you want is if you make it known. Nobody is a mind reader, and there is certainly enough confusion and frustration during this time. When expressing your needs or concerns to your partner, you’ll want to be assertive rather than passive, aggressive or passive-aggressive. It is important to maintain eye contact and focus on one another as you discuss your needs.
3. Practice gratitude
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Taking time each day to examine what you do have and what you can still be grateful for is a simple practice that can hopefully boost your spirits. Whether you are thankful for your health, the financial ability to buy groceries, or the love of a favorite pet, make sure to make a mental note of it to boost joy in your day. Expressing gratitude and appreciation for your partner is equally important. If you’ve been together for an extended period of time, you may have forgotten to say “please” and “thank you”. Take time during this quarantine to be more intentional about your gratitude for one another. Together you can create a culture of appreciation.
These exercises may be challenging, especially if you are experiencing conflict with your partner. However, when you create space to honor your own needs, as well as the needs of your partner, you can strengthen your relationship during this period of heightened stress and adversity.
If you and your partner are struggling to securely function with one another during this pandemic, couples therapy may help. To accommodate couples during the pandemic, Space Between Counseling Services now offer online couples therapy. To learn more, click the link below: